The world's best tape-measurer

You'd think that there's not much technique to using tape measures. You'd think that anyone can get an accurate measurement using one of these little things.

But so many people simply CANNOT use a tape measure correctly.

On Dishlex and Westinghouse dishwashers, the front is curved, and the top is flat. Rather than measure the width from the top of the dishwasher, people try to measure from the front, and then say "Oh, it's a couple of millimetres too wide!". When they put the tape around the front, they are also measuring the curve, which adds distance!

Today, I had a real numbnuts come in and wanted the cheapest dishwasher he could find - a one-only Conia POS that had been sent to us as replacement for one that we sent back as faulty. Firstly, the guy came in with the wrong measurements - he had measured his space as 600mm wide and just 555 high. I pointed out to him that he probably meant 855mm high.

He asked to borrow my measuring tape. Rather than put the metal end of the tape on the floor so that the tape was pointing straight down, he had the end of the tape a couple of centimetres away. "We can't get this one, it doesn't fit". I calmly bent down and held the tape where it should be, and it measured 853mm (or something like that).

Then he obviously didn't realise that you could retract the tape with the push of a button, because he started talking to his wife and gesticulating - with the tape still out and in his hand! The metal tab was banging against all the cooktops. I hope he didn't scratch any. He then stress-tested the dishwasher by pulling at the door and pushing the hinge. I think he ended off causing the door to go out of alignment, which of course made him pull at the door even more.

They eventually bought it, but during this whole episode some people came in and immediately fell in love with a Panasonic LCD that we had on display. Tanja got the sale because I was too busy trying to prevent that guy from pulling the dishwasher apart.

Tape measures are not a difficult gadget to use, just remember to measure along a flat surface, and keep the tape parallel to the surface! Otherwise, not only will you get inaccurate measurements, but you'll look like a damn fool.